Forgive, but not Forget?

Hi all,

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My blog is seeing a sudden spurt in viewership, thanks to the articles about PG admissions. The third one is on its way – its my opinions on PG education in India vs abroad.. Taking some time to write a proper, coherent article

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This particular post has been sitting in my drafts for ages as just a thread of thought. The topic struck me suddenly when I was contemplating something. I forgot the context, but the conclusion was intriguing, and stuck to memory. Ruminating on it gave rise to interesting stuff. Hence a post about it.

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Conventional wisdom says forgive and forget. Its cliched, and cliches are not cliched without reason. They are so because they are true, mostly. My conclusion, though, seems to go against it. All this led me to ponder on it and find exactly why I came to it. I’ll try to justify this statement here. Some may not agree. Do let me know what you think..

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My contention is that it is beneficial to us to forgive people, but not to forget. The forgive part is easy – same arguments as usual. No need to carry around negativity, keep good relations etc. Regarding the second part, consider the reasons why one might be in a situation to forgive. When do you forgive? When someone has offended you, or hurt you in some way. When can someone offend you? Only when you take that person and his opinions of you seriously. When such a person says/thinks/does something that upsets you, either you could be at fault, or that person’s perception might be flawed, or there might be a basic disagreement in philosophy. I’m not able to think of other scenarios where this could happen. Can you??

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Anyways, if it was because we were in the wrong, it will be to our benefit to not forget it, but to take it seriously and think “is he right? Am I obstinately holding on to a mistaken belief?”. I tried this out and was surprised at the number of inconsistencies and misplaced ideals that I held. This especially is true if you’re surrounded by a diverse set of people, as I am now. Exposure to different cultures, beliefs, religions, paradigms. There’s bound to be friction and this is a good opportunity to test our beliefs against others’ to see if ours is tight. I go ahead one step further, and do this whenever I see two people in conflict. I feel I’ve improved a great deal by doing this. My views have become more informed and mature. Do try it out. It works

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If you’re offended because the other person saw things wrongly, its to your great benefit to go up to him and talk things out. This might result in you getting offended again, on any of the three grounds, leading to further introspection/action, in turn leading to more benefit. If it was just a case of misinformation or semi-information that caused the slight, it can easily be resolved and the relationship can be back to being normal.

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If it is the third case, that there is a basic difference in philosophy, no amount of persuasion or argument will change the other’s convictions. It’ll only end in embittering things further. Rather, I’d introspect to validate my opinions, and if I think they’re right, accept that there is a difference in opinion and take it from there. Relationships aren’t binary. Its not that A is either my friend, or isn’t. Not forgetting makes MOST sense when there is a difference. That particular topic could be actively avoided in the future. If the difference is fundamental and irreconcilable, we could take a step back and become a bit lesser friend so that the difference does not matter so much anymore.

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Apart from this angle, I was also thinking along the lines of reductio ad absurdum. What if we did forget? If there was a problem with us, its going to go uncorrected. If there was a communication gap, its going to remain as such, becoming tougher to rectify with time. If there was an ideals clash, there are chances of that occurring again. On the whole, forgetting seems to be anywhere between disadvantageous to injurious.

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Seems to me that its not good to forget. At least till all that’s there to be learnt is learnt. And not good to forget the lessons ever. What do you think??

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karthrags